The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
