first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
