If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
