I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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