Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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