so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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