we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
How does one acquire holy water?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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