sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I cut my penus on the lid.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize