I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
