I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
