I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
