if i can run in heels then i can drive
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Randomize
