Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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