So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Randomize
