I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
