It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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