so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
