I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Randomize
