His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
