Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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