I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
