sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
