but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
