My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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