i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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