goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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