Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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