My friends, they love my intelligence
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize