Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
