Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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