well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
