I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
