Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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