Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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