i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Randomize
