kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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