Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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