Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
