OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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