i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
