Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
