Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
ttyl tear gas
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
