Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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