hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
