I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
