Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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