that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
