I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Mom said you looked used
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
