i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
