btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize