Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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