So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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