Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Dicks are not precious.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
