Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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