What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
