I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
