I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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