What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
