every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
