Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
