I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Let's get the cat blown out
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
