The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
