Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
