girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
