Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
