I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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